I think I understand

I think I understand why I feel so stressed or anxious.  These words will probably not make sense, but I am tired of having all the responsiblity for everything,  I also realize that as my friends go through lives wonderful times with their children, I will go through them  alone.  It isn't fair, I don't know why God felt I was strong enough to do this, but He did/does, so I know will be okay.  It is just getting there that hurts!!

Today a dear friend moves her dd into college, did that... ALONE!! Cried I am sure after I got home.. Paige's dad wasn't even there to see her graduate from HS, get that acceptance from UNC... and then watch her graduate from UNC.  He wasn't  here to celebrate her getting a teaching job, console her when she was worried and see her move into her apartment.  Oh how he would have been so proud...

 She is a wonderful young lady... Another friend's DD is getting married today... And no Phil won't be here to celebrate that part of Paige's life....He won't be there to walk her down the aisle or give her away.  Her wonderful brother will have that honor of walking her down the aisle. 

I love my children more than life...I feel for them when I know they are missing out on things. 
Why did they have to have their dad taken from them at such an early age.  Yes, life has been good for them. They have  so much... maybe I have given them too much to make up for not having a dad, but he provided for us....
I worry that i have failed Patrick, not pushing him as maybe I should. but that isn't me.. I have to let him grow up. It might take time.. but he is coming...

Oh how I miss Phil.. sometimes I wonder how much more will I have to bear...Death of a spouse, raising two children, my own cancer and who knows what else... since I worry about everything from water,heart attacks, knee surgery,bc coming back, trees falling and pet issues...I know it is wrong, sinful to worry..
.
I know God will always be there and make a way.  He always has.  Maybe I need to see a woodpecker... It has been awhile.  Fireflies make me smile,  Thank you God for that.....

so my anxious moments are just stress... stress brought on by not giving it to God... I know he will hand me the ticket I need at the moment I need it.... right now I need that ticket of PEACE!!!
I need to rest in the arms of my Lord and savior.  I need to feel Him as He holds me and wraps His loving arms around me.....

I very rarely dream of Phil and if I do I know it is him, but I never see his face.  He is always somewhere in the background. I wonder why that is. I just know the person I am in the dream with is Phil....

I miss you Phil, I need your loving arms around me... but since I can't have them I know God will wrap his arms completey around me and I will be safe in his arms...they only arms that can give me the peace I so dearly need right now!